saying goodbye...
Brilliant…fucking brilliant!
I am awash with it all…
Got my new tattoo today…it’s this design on my shoulderblade that I made that has the words “ergo sum” (which is in reference to the Descarte statement “cogito ergo sum” which means, “I think therefore I am”)…but my tat says only “therefore I am”, b/c that is enough, in my eyes.…and the design changes meanings depending on how you look at it…it looks a bit like an abstract bird from one angle (which is what my totem is, both in the Hawaiian and aboriginal cultures), and an abstract figure reaching out from the other..and it incorporates some spirals that refer to the circularity of life (and the aboriginal belief that spirals are the truest explanation)…and it expresses elements of fleetingness…which is definitely a theme.
I like leaving things open to interpretation…I like having others see different things…and I like things to have multiple meanings at the same time…that’s why my wrist tat can say either “within the moment” or “the moment within”, depending on how you read it…
I feel like it reflects how things in life are usually never JUST what they appear to be..there are countless angles and layers, you just have to be willing to see them…you have to be willing to tilt your head…
…and got my wrist one redone, which was insane, it’s odd to choose to go through excruciating pain all over again (still hurt like nothing else…)..thankfully yarrow and aaron were there with me, and I nearly squeezed yarrow’s thumb off….but she was sweet and didn’t complain…love that girl…she kept on inhaling sharply b/c she was having sympathy pains, and she got to see/hear me bleed…poor thing, she was quite pale…but she took care of me afterwards..
and we were walking downtown and I still had the bandages on my wrist and shoulderblade..and the bandages are essentially paper towels and tape, and I told yarrow that people were probably going to think I was just incredibly strange, wearing paper towels as a fashion statement of some kind…she assured me that people would know it was from a tat…but, lo and behold, this irish man stopped us and started talking to me…and we had a nice random conversation, and he started joking with me and told me to stop wearing paper towels…I laughed pretty damn hard, b/c his timing was perfect. :-)
ah..in regards to timing…I had a little experience the other night that reminded me that I am, in many ways, a hypocrite…I tell people to be gutsy and take chances, and to not hesitate b/c life is short and you might not realize what you are missing…but, the other night, I found myself in a situation where I should not have hesitated b/c I KNEW it was something special…that beauty of fleeting connection that you can share with someone from across the room…I knew I shouldn’t hesitate, but then something happened at the exact moment that she was walking towards me (after hours of shy and genuine eye contact, she had gotten up the guts to come talk to me)…a drunk irish man that had been trying to get me to dance with him all night (he had even pulled up his shirt and rubbed his nipples….i guess maybe in ireland that is supposed to be a great way to pick up girls at an all-girl club, who knows) chose tha moment to grab me and start kissing my neck and face…and before I could push him away, she had already stopped, given me this sad look, let her eyes fall to the floor, turned around, and then walked out the door…. It was a situation that I knew that there was something I should have done…it was like a play, and you know what your lines are as a character…but before you can figure out how to pronounce them , it is too late…All the way home I was about to turn around, but then I didn’t…and I spent the rest of the night kicking myself, b/c the “not knowing” is so excruciating…and watching as something (hypothetically this applies as well) walks out a door, knowing that you are supposed to follow, that they are waiting for you to follow them…and then hesitating, and then never knowing what you missed, what just walked out of that door…ah, the missed chances in life...they haunt you...
ah, so the moral to this story is that heather needs to start listening to her own advice…I haven’t felt too much regret recently, at least not about the important things..i try to be honest and put all my cards on the table (I’ve tried not to hesitate or hold back…b/c some things are too precious to hesitate or hold back from b/c of fear of being hurt), so this was a harsh reminder that I still have the capacity to fall into that trap of uncertain hesitation that comes from being (to put it bluntly) a chickenshit. No poetic way around it. Ironically, walking home, I passed by this store that was selling gumballs, and there was this sign that said “2 balls for $1”…talk about a sign. :-)
On another note:
Unintentionally got lost yesterday for an hour with Aaron…t’was awesome…I love being lost and choosing randomly which paths to take…and it was dusk, which is even better…it’s that undecided time between day and night…a very poetic time…he was a great sport…my dorky excitement was luckily contagious, b/c we were wasting a TON of gas…I felt so bad, so I bought him an ice cream cone (a whopping 30 cents..i am a big spender!)…and I have a lot of guilt with this boy, b/c he essentially changed all his plans to return to Melbourne so he could hang around with me…but I was not interested in him as more than a friend…and I ended up hurting his feelings, and I feel terrible about it, b/c things were really awkward for a while, and he’s such a sweet sweet boy…but thankfully, we had a great time getting lost together…and now things are much happier and smiley…
Randomness:
Was getting sushi, and saw this girl with a shirt that said “victim of pleasure”..
Was walking down the street and spotted this girl in a café that had my shirt…the one that has a goat on it and says “goats really like to nibble” ( the one certain ppl think is scandalous and suggestive—MARY LYNNE!!!..but it really isn’t, it’s just cute and random, I promise)…I did a double take, and it made me smile wide..she probably thought I was crazy..but no worries!
Right now I am in the process of saying goodbye to Sydney and my little makeshift family of friends that I will probably never see again…so sad. We are all going out as a huge group for tapas and sangria and laughs...We have all gotten so attached to each other…and last night I just met some other really cool girls that are staying at the Arundel House..and I’m leaving tomorrow! And just got an email from Stefan (the Swedish boy who I had a fantastic time talking to) asking if I remembered him and if we could get together to hang out and talk more….but I am leaving tomorrow, and all these people keep on popping up and reminding me of how wonderful they are…Ah..timing!!
But so many things in life are fleeting…and that makes them all the more precious…
I have completely fallen in love with this city…the way it breathes, the people, the bats that come out at night, the smell of the air when it is wet, the certain brand of Sydney smiles and swagger, the way I feel when I wake up in the morning and look out my window…I’m going to miss it all…getting attached to things you know you have to leave is lovely and painful…but I couldn’t keep myself separated and untouched, b/c then what would be the point…there would be no point.
I am awash with it all…
Got my new tattoo today…it’s this design on my shoulderblade that I made that has the words “ergo sum” (which is in reference to the Descarte statement “cogito ergo sum” which means, “I think therefore I am”)…but my tat says only “therefore I am”, b/c that is enough, in my eyes.…and the design changes meanings depending on how you look at it…it looks a bit like an abstract bird from one angle (which is what my totem is, both in the Hawaiian and aboriginal cultures), and an abstract figure reaching out from the other..and it incorporates some spirals that refer to the circularity of life (and the aboriginal belief that spirals are the truest explanation)…and it expresses elements of fleetingness…which is definitely a theme.
I like leaving things open to interpretation…I like having others see different things…and I like things to have multiple meanings at the same time…that’s why my wrist tat can say either “within the moment” or “the moment within”, depending on how you read it…
I feel like it reflects how things in life are usually never JUST what they appear to be..there are countless angles and layers, you just have to be willing to see them…you have to be willing to tilt your head…
…and got my wrist one redone, which was insane, it’s odd to choose to go through excruciating pain all over again (still hurt like nothing else…)..thankfully yarrow and aaron were there with me, and I nearly squeezed yarrow’s thumb off….but she was sweet and didn’t complain…love that girl…she kept on inhaling sharply b/c she was having sympathy pains, and she got to see/hear me bleed…poor thing, she was quite pale…but she took care of me afterwards..
and we were walking downtown and I still had the bandages on my wrist and shoulderblade..and the bandages are essentially paper towels and tape, and I told yarrow that people were probably going to think I was just incredibly strange, wearing paper towels as a fashion statement of some kind…she assured me that people would know it was from a tat…but, lo and behold, this irish man stopped us and started talking to me…and we had a nice random conversation, and he started joking with me and told me to stop wearing paper towels…I laughed pretty damn hard, b/c his timing was perfect. :-)
ah..in regards to timing…I had a little experience the other night that reminded me that I am, in many ways, a hypocrite…I tell people to be gutsy and take chances, and to not hesitate b/c life is short and you might not realize what you are missing…but, the other night, I found myself in a situation where I should not have hesitated b/c I KNEW it was something special…that beauty of fleeting connection that you can share with someone from across the room…I knew I shouldn’t hesitate, but then something happened at the exact moment that she was walking towards me (after hours of shy and genuine eye contact, she had gotten up the guts to come talk to me)…a drunk irish man that had been trying to get me to dance with him all night (he had even pulled up his shirt and rubbed his nipples….i guess maybe in ireland that is supposed to be a great way to pick up girls at an all-girl club, who knows) chose tha moment to grab me and start kissing my neck and face…and before I could push him away, she had already stopped, given me this sad look, let her eyes fall to the floor, turned around, and then walked out the door…. It was a situation that I knew that there was something I should have done…it was like a play, and you know what your lines are as a character…but before you can figure out how to pronounce them , it is too late…All the way home I was about to turn around, but then I didn’t…and I spent the rest of the night kicking myself, b/c the “not knowing” is so excruciating…and watching as something (hypothetically this applies as well) walks out a door, knowing that you are supposed to follow, that they are waiting for you to follow them…and then hesitating, and then never knowing what you missed, what just walked out of that door…ah, the missed chances in life...they haunt you...
ah, so the moral to this story is that heather needs to start listening to her own advice…I haven’t felt too much regret recently, at least not about the important things..i try to be honest and put all my cards on the table (I’ve tried not to hesitate or hold back…b/c some things are too precious to hesitate or hold back from b/c of fear of being hurt), so this was a harsh reminder that I still have the capacity to fall into that trap of uncertain hesitation that comes from being (to put it bluntly) a chickenshit. No poetic way around it. Ironically, walking home, I passed by this store that was selling gumballs, and there was this sign that said “2 balls for $1”…talk about a sign. :-)
On another note:
Unintentionally got lost yesterday for an hour with Aaron…t’was awesome…I love being lost and choosing randomly which paths to take…and it was dusk, which is even better…it’s that undecided time between day and night…a very poetic time…he was a great sport…my dorky excitement was luckily contagious, b/c we were wasting a TON of gas…I felt so bad, so I bought him an ice cream cone (a whopping 30 cents..i am a big spender!)…and I have a lot of guilt with this boy, b/c he essentially changed all his plans to return to Melbourne so he could hang around with me…but I was not interested in him as more than a friend…and I ended up hurting his feelings, and I feel terrible about it, b/c things were really awkward for a while, and he’s such a sweet sweet boy…but thankfully, we had a great time getting lost together…and now things are much happier and smiley…
Randomness:
Was getting sushi, and saw this girl with a shirt that said “victim of pleasure”..
Was walking down the street and spotted this girl in a café that had my shirt…the one that has a goat on it and says “goats really like to nibble” ( the one certain ppl think is scandalous and suggestive—MARY LYNNE!!!..but it really isn’t, it’s just cute and random, I promise)…I did a double take, and it made me smile wide..she probably thought I was crazy..but no worries!
Right now I am in the process of saying goodbye to Sydney and my little makeshift family of friends that I will probably never see again…so sad. We are all going out as a huge group for tapas and sangria and laughs...We have all gotten so attached to each other…and last night I just met some other really cool girls that are staying at the Arundel House..and I’m leaving tomorrow! And just got an email from Stefan (the Swedish boy who I had a fantastic time talking to) asking if I remembered him and if we could get together to hang out and talk more….but I am leaving tomorrow, and all these people keep on popping up and reminding me of how wonderful they are…Ah..timing!!
But so many things in life are fleeting…and that makes them all the more precious…
I have completely fallen in love with this city…the way it breathes, the people, the bats that come out at night, the smell of the air when it is wet, the certain brand of Sydney smiles and swagger, the way I feel when I wake up in the morning and look out my window…I’m going to miss it all…getting attached to things you know you have to leave is lovely and painful…but I couldn’t keep myself separated and untouched, b/c then what would be the point…there would be no point.
posted by heather at 12:05 AM
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