too much to think about...

this is the first time i've had to catch my breath...

everyone is asleep...everything is quiet...for once.

i haven't been this overwhelmed in a long time...well, that's probably a lie, i get overwhelmed a lot, actually...life tends to lend itself to being overwhelming...

so much has happened, i can't seem to keep track of it all...a lifetime of drama and discovery in a matter of days...all quite unreal....life imitating what..? art? poetry? dream? day-time soap opera?

someone who was a stranger, recognizing how we are never really strangers to one another...it's amazing how things change, how they stay the same...

sincerity can be terrifying at times...realizing that someone who met you only a matter of days ago is willing to sacrifice everything, willing to throw away everything to be with me...realizing that i can't handle that, knowing that people want to make sacrifices for me, for just a "chance", that is truthfully terrifying for me. It's all i can do to not run away and hide...escaping that strange sense of responsibility and guilt.

having marriage proposals, promises of forever, poems, vitamins, songs written and thrown at me...i don't know what to do...i am incapable of handling that kind of intensity right now...i can't handle the thought of being someone's "one", being "perfect" in their eyes, being the one they want to lose themselves in.....and it's shocking for me to actually say that "I can't handle this..." ...but i can't...not now. Right now is for me...for me being my "one"...i can't be someone else's. Now is for me being my imperfect self...now if the time for finding, not losing.

these past few days have really taught me that there are times when we are capable of something, and moments when we find ourselves completely incapable...it's amazing, fear. How we push away that which we know is good for us...how we long for disorder, for being unbalanced, for not letting ourselves feel safe...we don't want to find ourselves at the end of a sentence, even if we are presented with the perfect punctuation...we want a run-on.

and, i have just been presened with what i know is the perfect punctuation...and i am running away from it...i am pushing it from me... i don't want to be completed...i don't want to be the one to complete. Not now, anyway.

The definition of selfishness perhaps.

it's all so confused, and i know i am hurting and disappointing people...but there is nothing that i can do...i've tried so hard in the past not to disappoint others, and what ends up happening is that i disappoint myself, and then i feel doubly guilty...and eventually everyone loses.

i just need to be on my own, to figure things out, to breathe.

....
i will bullet point the rest...
i am not doing too well healthwise, i can hardly breathe at night...i get very little sleep, for numerous reasons...under a lot of stress, different kinds. All kinds.

it is insanely hot and humid here in brisbane, it makes being sick all the more fun.
(k, i'm done complaining...)

--my host family is wonderful, i love them all...they have been taking such good care of me...and they all already feel like family...
--leaving sydney was hard...our last night was amazing though...combine getting pushed around in a shopping cart at 2am with piles of chocolate with parks with amazing people, and there you have it.
--got a cocktail named after me (my host sis works as a bartender at a lesbian club..so she got us tons of free drinks...drank something called a squashed frog..tasty)...now there's something called the "heather special"...and it is lethal!
--had an impromptu dance party in a kebab shop..the shop owner was awesome, he turned off the lights and turned up the music and had us dancing on his tables and stools...then he gave us all hugs afterwards...
--went to the most famous club in brisbane...and got in with flip flops b/c the bouncer was cool and she decided to be nice and sneak me in..
--saw TONS of amazing live musicians...blues, jazz, soul...love it all!
--ate something called a "hedgehog"...it's actually this meatloaf kind of thing, but i was excited by the name... :-)
--saw some amazing australian stand up comedy...had me in tears!
--woke up to the sound of baby wild turkeys
--saw some amazing art, a series of photos of a house that essentially is like one continuous poem...each week, they repaint a new poetic line on its walls...amazing!

i am exhausted,
will never be able to complain of boredom.
night!

saying goodbye...

Brilliant…fucking brilliant!

I am awash with it all…

Got my new tattoo today…it’s this design on my shoulderblade that I made that has the words “ergo sum” (which is in reference to the Descarte statement “cogito ergo sum” which means, “I think therefore I am”)…but my tat says only “therefore I am”, b/c that is enough, in my eyes.…and the design changes meanings depending on how you look at it…it looks a bit like an abstract bird from one angle (which is what my totem is, both in the Hawaiian and aboriginal cultures), and an abstract figure reaching out from the other..and it incorporates some spirals that refer to the circularity of life (and the aboriginal belief that spirals are the truest explanation)…and it expresses elements of fleetingness…which is definitely a theme.

I like leaving things open to interpretation…I like having others see different things…and I like things to have multiple meanings at the same time…that’s why my wrist tat can say either “within the moment” or “the moment within”, depending on how you read it…

I feel like it reflects how things in life are usually never JUST what they appear to be..there are countless angles and layers, you just have to be willing to see them…you have to be willing to tilt your head…

…and got my wrist one redone, which was insane, it’s odd to choose to go through excruciating pain all over again (still hurt like nothing else…)..thankfully yarrow and aaron were there with me, and I nearly squeezed yarrow’s thumb off….but she was sweet and didn’t complain…love that girl…she kept on inhaling sharply b/c she was having sympathy pains, and she got to see/hear me bleed…poor thing, she was quite pale…but she took care of me afterwards..

and we were walking downtown and I still had the bandages on my wrist and shoulderblade..and the bandages are essentially paper towels and tape, and I told yarrow that people were probably going to think I was just incredibly strange, wearing paper towels as a fashion statement of some kind…she assured me that people would know it was from a tat…but, lo and behold, this irish man stopped us and started talking to me…and we had a nice random conversation, and he started joking with me and told me to stop wearing paper towels…I laughed pretty damn hard, b/c his timing was perfect. :-)

ah..in regards to timing…I had a little experience the other night that reminded me that I am, in many ways, a hypocrite…I tell people to be gutsy and take chances, and to not hesitate b/c life is short and you might not realize what you are missing…but, the other night, I found myself in a situation where I should not have hesitated b/c I KNEW it was something special…that beauty of fleeting connection that you can share with someone from across the room…I knew I shouldn’t hesitate, but then something happened at the exact moment that she was walking towards me (after hours of shy and genuine eye contact, she had gotten up the guts to come talk to me)…a drunk irish man that had been trying to get me to dance with him all night (he had even pulled up his shirt and rubbed his nipples….i guess maybe in ireland that is supposed to be a great way to pick up girls at an all-girl club, who knows) chose tha moment to grab me and start kissing my neck and face…and before I could push him away, she had already stopped, given me this sad look, let her eyes fall to the floor, turned around, and then walked out the door…. It was a situation that I knew that there was something I should have done…it was like a play, and you know what your lines are as a character…but before you can figure out how to pronounce them , it is too late…All the way home I was about to turn around, but then I didn’t…and I spent the rest of the night kicking myself, b/c the “not knowing” is so excruciating…and watching as something (hypothetically this applies as well) walks out a door, knowing that you are supposed to follow, that they are waiting for you to follow them…and then hesitating, and then never knowing what you missed, what just walked out of that door…ah, the missed chances in life...they haunt you...

ah, so the moral to this story is that heather needs to start listening to her own advice…I haven’t felt too much regret recently, at least not about the important things..i try to be honest and put all my cards on the table (I’ve tried not to hesitate or hold back…b/c some things are too precious to hesitate or hold back from b/c of fear of being hurt), so this was a harsh reminder that I still have the capacity to fall into that trap of uncertain hesitation that comes from being (to put it bluntly) a chickenshit. No poetic way around it. Ironically, walking home, I passed by this store that was selling gumballs, and there was this sign that said “2 balls for $1”…talk about a sign. :-)

On another note:
Unintentionally got lost yesterday for an hour with Aaron…t’was awesome…I love being lost and choosing randomly which paths to take…and it was dusk, which is even better…it’s that undecided time between day and night…a very poetic time…he was a great sport…my dorky excitement was luckily contagious, b/c we were wasting a TON of gas…I felt so bad, so I bought him an ice cream cone (a whopping 30 cents..i am a big spender!)…and I have a lot of guilt with this boy, b/c he essentially changed all his plans to return to Melbourne so he could hang around with me…but I was not interested in him as more than a friend…and I ended up hurting his feelings, and I feel terrible about it, b/c things were really awkward for a while, and he’s such a sweet sweet boy…but thankfully, we had a great time getting lost together…and now things are much happier and smiley…

Randomness:
Was getting sushi, and saw this girl with a shirt that said “victim of pleasure”..

Was walking down the street and spotted this girl in a café that had my shirt…the one that has a goat on it and says “goats really like to nibble” ( the one certain ppl think is scandalous and suggestive—MARY LYNNE!!!..but it really isn’t, it’s just cute and random, I promise)…I did a double take, and it made me smile wide..she probably thought I was crazy..but no worries!

Right now I am in the process of saying goodbye to Sydney and my little makeshift family of friends that I will probably never see again…so sad. We are all going out as a huge group for tapas and sangria and laughs...We have all gotten so attached to each other…and last night I just met some other really cool girls that are staying at the Arundel House..and I’m leaving tomorrow! And just got an email from Stefan (the Swedish boy who I had a fantastic time talking to) asking if I remembered him and if we could get together to hang out and talk more….but I am leaving tomorrow, and all these people keep on popping up and reminding me of how wonderful they are…Ah..timing!!

But so many things in life are fleeting…and that makes them all the more precious…

I have completely fallen in love with this city…the way it breathes, the people, the bats that come out at night, the smell of the air when it is wet, the certain brand of Sydney smiles and swagger, the way I feel when I wake up in the morning and look out my window…I’m going to miss it all…getting attached to things you know you have to leave is lovely and painful…but I couldn’t keep myself separated and untouched, b/c then what would be the point…there would be no point.

the crazy city

back to the insanity of the city...

had a sushi picnic in the park, in the rain....awesomely windy and the bats were going crazy!!!

we tried to buy some laundry soap...and were so tickled by this bottle (that we THOUGHT was laundry detergent) that had a duck on it, named Fluffy (which made me sentimental)...so we bought it...washed our clothes and then realized that it was fabric SOFTENER....so our clothes were soft, but still dirty...smart us....watch out for duckies that mislead you...good lesson

was walking down the street, waiting at a stoplight..and these people drove by and screamed "i love you" to me...made me laugh out loud...i like spontanaeity...

i was gone most of the day...and when i got back, i got the warmest welcome i have ever received...when i opened the door, yarrow grabbed me and swung me around for about 5 minutes...everyone starting clapping and screaming "where were you!!!?? we thought you were dead!!! oh my god...you are alive...weeeee!!!!!" ....i love these gals...we have a fucking blast together...

later we had a crazy night of absinth..and it was freeking amazing....that stuff is strong...woo boy...i now know why it's illegal in the states...we made a fort in our room, ended up giggling on the floor, lit candles, yarrow dripped hot wax on me by accident...we were planning to write random letters to strangers..but never got around to it (next time)....we toasted to life and beauty and friendship and taking chances...and there were SO many hugs...we made friends with several bus drivers...and were total goofs, as usual! we thought we were hallucintaing when we were walking down the street and saw this giant blow up penis in someone's car, coming through the moon roof....but no, we weren't hallucinating, we got a picture of it...must have been a bachelorette party or something...we stopped right in the middle of the intersection and stared, and after we realized that we were ALL seeing it, started cracking up...

and later went out dancing at a lesbian club called "bitch" and had an ABSOLUTE blast (amazing dj, crazy atmosphere)....danced our arses off!!!! Amusing..b/c they stamp you with the word "bitch", so they know to let you back in...but mine partially rubbed off, so it read "itch"...and a girl came up to me and handed me one of the best come on lines i've heard...her (staring down at my hand): "so...you have an itch? ....(dramatic pause)..if i'm nice, can i scratch it?..." ....inventive, and highly situational...

we all had a kickass time...everyone was uber friendly..and i don't think i've been around that many women in one room ever before...a bit overwhelming...but there were tons of smiles and sweetness and spontaneity...

when we were walking back later (4am or so)...this guy started to follow us..a bit sketch...but we started talking, and he made up an on the spot poem for me...it was pretty damn cool...we talked about how there is a certain time of night when you cannot outrun your shadow..how there is a certain time at night when there is no past, only present...i was loving talking to him..since i am fond of random conversations with strangers...but later, we realized that he was a drug dealer, and he tried to push ice (the drug, not the frozen water stuff) on us, ....at least the poetic part was nice...i think i trust people too easily...eee.

anyhow...i'm sick at the moment....fever, achey muscles, chills, headache, raw throat, fatigue...trying to get healthier...don't like being sicky...urgh...

i'm going on a hunt for vitamin C....i've been living on smoothies and sushi...mmmmyeah.

more pics are up...if you're interested...
you have to use this link to see it...so cut and paste, y'all!
http://lclark.facebook.com/photos.php?id=31600226&l=7020b

amazing...

so, there really is no way to sum up this past week...
being at the aboriginal camp was one of the most amazing experiences i've had...the warmth and love and sense of connectedness was like nothing i've ever come across before...
i think i may have to bullet point...
--the entire time we were there, it was in the 100s...humid, and blazing sun...intense...many of us almost passed out from heat stroke...

--first day i was there, i got bit in two places by green ants, which was one of the most painful things i've felt...feels like you are burning, and it lasted for 4 hours...fun fun.

--literally burned myself with a piece of hot metal wire while i was desiging my emu instrument...now i have a lovely 'ol scar that will always remind me of my time there...

--learned more about life than i can express right now...--patience, jealousy, selflessness, honesty, being genuine, fear...

--got one of the most amazing hugs of my life...made me burst into tears when the grandmother held me, looked straight into my eyes and said..."you, you're a good one..i can tell....you're one of the reasons i held on this long..so i could hold you in this moment"..i can't begin to explain how that made me feel....

--laid out under the stars...I have NEVER seen so many stars in my life....talked about love and taking chances...talked about racism, spirituality, trust, what we want out of life, what life wants out of us...--intense bonding...intense physical exertion...intense everything.

--heard some of the dirtiest jokes i have EVER heard in my life around the aboriginal campfire...hilarious...saw an impromptu pole dance (well, a big stick)...bizzare cultural overlappings..

--we all had a dance performance, topless...the guys were nearly naked...we painted each other, and it was one of the most liberating experiences for all of us...to just look at each other and recognize how beautiful everyone is...to be comfortable in your own skin...one of the girls told me that it was the first time she had ever felt beautiful in her life....we both ended up in tears...

--after the final performance everyone (about 30 of us) ran down to the river in the pitch dark and went skinny dipping...there was ochre everywhere where it was coming off of us...so much laughing and "oh my god, this is amazing" moments for all of us...we all floated there and stared up at the stars...beautiful, so beautiful.

--saying goodbye about killed me...a few of us were sobbing on the bus...felt like i had been given another home, another family, another world...amazing gifts...

--there is no word for "goodbye" in any of the aboriginal languages...i wish that our language didn't have a word for it either....it's a word that doesn't make sense...

--there is simply too much to recount right now...but let me say that it was one of the most awe-inspiring moments in my life....

left me breathless....people are so beautiful...it all is.