too much to think about...
this is the first time i've had to catch my breath...
everyone is asleep...everything is quiet...for once.
i haven't been this overwhelmed in a long time...well, that's probably a lie, i get overwhelmed a lot, actually...life tends to lend itself to being overwhelming...
so much has happened, i can't seem to keep track of it all...a lifetime of drama and discovery in a matter of days...all quite unreal....life imitating what..? art? poetry? dream? day-time soap opera?
someone who was a stranger, recognizing how we are never really strangers to one another...it's amazing how things change, how they stay the same...
sincerity can be terrifying at times...realizing that someone who met you only a matter of days ago is willing to sacrifice everything, willing to throw away everything to be with me...realizing that i can't handle that, knowing that people want to make sacrifices for me, for just a "chance", that is truthfully terrifying for me. It's all i can do to not run away and hide...escaping that strange sense of responsibility and guilt.
having marriage proposals, promises of forever, poems, vitamins, songs written and thrown at me...i don't know what to do...i am incapable of handling that kind of intensity right now...i can't handle the thought of being someone's "one", being "perfect" in their eyes, being the one they want to lose themselves in.....and it's shocking for me to actually say that "I can't handle this..." ...but i can't...not now. Right now is for me...for me being my "one"...i can't be someone else's. Now is for me being my imperfect self...now if the time for finding, not losing.
these past few days have really taught me that there are times when we are capable of something, and moments when we find ourselves completely incapable...it's amazing, fear. How we push away that which we know is good for us...how we long for disorder, for being unbalanced, for not letting ourselves feel safe...we don't want to find ourselves at the end of a sentence, even if we are presented with the perfect punctuation...we want a run-on.
and, i have just been presened with what i know is the perfect punctuation...and i am running away from it...i am pushing it from me... i don't want to be completed...i don't want to be the one to complete. Not now, anyway.
The definition of selfishness perhaps.
it's all so confused, and i know i am hurting and disappointing people...but there is nothing that i can do...i've tried so hard in the past not to disappoint others, and what ends up happening is that i disappoint myself, and then i feel doubly guilty...and eventually everyone loses.
i just need to be on my own, to figure things out, to breathe.
....
i will bullet point the rest...
i am not doing too well healthwise, i can hardly breathe at night...i get very little sleep, for numerous reasons...under a lot of stress, different kinds. All kinds.
it is insanely hot and humid here in brisbane, it makes being sick all the more fun.
(k, i'm done complaining...)
--my host family is wonderful, i love them all...they have been taking such good care of me...and they all already feel like family...
--leaving sydney was hard...our last night was amazing though...combine getting pushed around in a shopping cart at 2am with piles of chocolate with parks with amazing people, and there you have it.
--got a cocktail named after me (my host sis works as a bartender at a lesbian club..so she got us tons of free drinks...drank something called a squashed frog..tasty)...now there's something called the "heather special"...and it is lethal!
--had an impromptu dance party in a kebab shop..the shop owner was awesome, he turned off the lights and turned up the music and had us dancing on his tables and stools...then he gave us all hugs afterwards...
--went to the most famous club in brisbane...and got in with flip flops b/c the bouncer was cool and she decided to be nice and sneak me in..
--saw TONS of amazing live musicians...blues, jazz, soul...love it all!
--ate something called a "hedgehog"...it's actually this meatloaf kind of thing, but i was excited by the name... :-)
--saw some amazing australian stand up comedy...had me in tears!
--woke up to the sound of baby wild turkeys
--saw some amazing art, a series of photos of a house that essentially is like one continuous poem...each week, they repaint a new poetic line on its walls...amazing!
i am exhausted,
will never be able to complain of boredom.
night!
everyone is asleep...everything is quiet...for once.
i haven't been this overwhelmed in a long time...well, that's probably a lie, i get overwhelmed a lot, actually...life tends to lend itself to being overwhelming...
so much has happened, i can't seem to keep track of it all...a lifetime of drama and discovery in a matter of days...all quite unreal....life imitating what..? art? poetry? dream? day-time soap opera?
someone who was a stranger, recognizing how we are never really strangers to one another...it's amazing how things change, how they stay the same...
sincerity can be terrifying at times...realizing that someone who met you only a matter of days ago is willing to sacrifice everything, willing to throw away everything to be with me...realizing that i can't handle that, knowing that people want to make sacrifices for me, for just a "chance", that is truthfully terrifying for me. It's all i can do to not run away and hide...escaping that strange sense of responsibility and guilt.
having marriage proposals, promises of forever, poems, vitamins, songs written and thrown at me...i don't know what to do...i am incapable of handling that kind of intensity right now...i can't handle the thought of being someone's "one", being "perfect" in their eyes, being the one they want to lose themselves in.....and it's shocking for me to actually say that "I can't handle this..." ...but i can't...not now. Right now is for me...for me being my "one"...i can't be someone else's. Now is for me being my imperfect self...now if the time for finding, not losing.
these past few days have really taught me that there are times when we are capable of something, and moments when we find ourselves completely incapable...it's amazing, fear. How we push away that which we know is good for us...how we long for disorder, for being unbalanced, for not letting ourselves feel safe...we don't want to find ourselves at the end of a sentence, even if we are presented with the perfect punctuation...we want a run-on.
and, i have just been presened with what i know is the perfect punctuation...and i am running away from it...i am pushing it from me... i don't want to be completed...i don't want to be the one to complete. Not now, anyway.
The definition of selfishness perhaps.
it's all so confused, and i know i am hurting and disappointing people...but there is nothing that i can do...i've tried so hard in the past not to disappoint others, and what ends up happening is that i disappoint myself, and then i feel doubly guilty...and eventually everyone loses.
i just need to be on my own, to figure things out, to breathe.
....
i will bullet point the rest...
i am not doing too well healthwise, i can hardly breathe at night...i get very little sleep, for numerous reasons...under a lot of stress, different kinds. All kinds.
it is insanely hot and humid here in brisbane, it makes being sick all the more fun.
(k, i'm done complaining...)
--my host family is wonderful, i love them all...they have been taking such good care of me...and they all already feel like family...
--leaving sydney was hard...our last night was amazing though...combine getting pushed around in a shopping cart at 2am with piles of chocolate with parks with amazing people, and there you have it.
--got a cocktail named after me (my host sis works as a bartender at a lesbian club..so she got us tons of free drinks...drank something called a squashed frog..tasty)...now there's something called the "heather special"...and it is lethal!
--had an impromptu dance party in a kebab shop..the shop owner was awesome, he turned off the lights and turned up the music and had us dancing on his tables and stools...then he gave us all hugs afterwards...
--went to the most famous club in brisbane...and got in with flip flops b/c the bouncer was cool and she decided to be nice and sneak me in..
--saw TONS of amazing live musicians...blues, jazz, soul...love it all!
--ate something called a "hedgehog"...it's actually this meatloaf kind of thing, but i was excited by the name... :-)
--saw some amazing australian stand up comedy...had me in tears!
--woke up to the sound of baby wild turkeys
--saw some amazing art, a series of photos of a house that essentially is like one continuous poem...each week, they repaint a new poetic line on its walls...amazing!
i am exhausted,
will never be able to complain of boredom.
night!
posted by heather at 6:10 AM
1 Comments:
you worry-(slash)-amaze me.
I know only you would incite the situations that come about, only for you would these things happen... and because of that it makes me want to trust that, because it's you, things will turn out right. Seeing as, which ever path your on has to be right because of the no-regrets thing. But it still makes me damn nervous, just how much I do trust you and your situations. Just remember how many types of punctuation are out there, and how many different perfect endings they will provide throughout the years. Right now, you need to punctuate your own sentence(s), not someone else's. And I think you know that, by the sound of your post.
Hang in there, sick one! You've got love being sent to you from many different continents!
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